Ah, Thanksgiving—the time for turkey, pie, and awkward political confrontations. This year, the stakes are higher than ever. Why? Because Donald Trump just won the 2024 election and the popular vote. For your liberal friend, this isn’t just a curveball—it’s an asteroid crashing into their worldview. So, how do you navigate a holiday feast without their existential crisis overshadowing the gravy boat? Fear not! Here’s a dry, sarcastic guide to surviving Thanksgiving while helping your liberal friend put the pieces of their shattered mind back together.
1. Create a Safe Space (Because, of Course)
First things first: carve out a “safe space” in your home. This could be a cozy corner of the living room or just the bathroom with the fan on. Stock it with essential coping tools like chamomile tea, a weighted blanket, and perhaps a copy of The Audacity of Hope—you know, for nostalgia. When your friend starts hyperventilating at the mention of Trump, gently guide them to their sanctuary. Bonus points if you play soothing whale sounds in the background.
2. Practice Your “Listening Face”
Your liberal friend will probably have a lot to say. They’ll want to unpack every reason why this election result spells the apocalypse. Here’s your job: nod solemnly, sprinkle in a few “Wow, that’s tough,” and resist the urge to point out the irony of them winning the popular vote argument for years only to lose this time. Keep a poker face when they mention moving to Canada (again), even though we all know they’ll never actually go.
3. Distract, Distract, Distract
When the conversation veers toward how “the system is broken,” it’s time for a distraction. Bring up something innocuous, like the controversial decision to put marshmallows on sweet potatoes. Or start an impromptu trivia game. Did you know Benjamin Franklin wanted the turkey to be the national bird? Your liberal friend might roll their eyes, but at least they won’t be talking about voter suppression for the next 20 minutes.
4. Break Out the Emotional Support Pie
Pie fixes everything. Apple, pumpkin, pecan—it doesn’t matter. When the conversation gets too intense, just say, “Who wants more pie?” This is a surefire way to redirect attention and, if you’re lucky, buy yourself enough time to sneak a second helping of stuffing.
5. Avoid Trigger Words
Words like “Trump,” “election,” and “Supreme Court” are conversational landmines. Stick to safer topics, like the weather or how Aunt Carol’s Jell-O mold is definitely still moving. If someone insists on bringing up politics, quickly pivot to a topic everyone can agree on, like how terrible it is that stores are playing Christmas music already.
6. Gently Introduce Reality
At some point, your liberal friend might spiral into a monologue about how democracy is officially dead. This is your moment to swoop in with a reality check—subtle, of course. Something like, “Well, at least we still get to vote,” or, “Hey, there’s always 2028!” If they glare at you like you just kicked a puppy, quickly follow up with a compliment like, “Your mashed potatoes are amazing this year.”
7. Bring a “Crisis Kit”
Every good host should be prepared. Assemble a “Crisis Kit” that includes tissues, herbal stress relief sprays, and a pre-written list of all the progressive wins that happened this year. Slip in some humor too—maybe a bumper sticker that says, “At least we didn’t get Kanye.”
8. Set Boundaries (Kind Of)
If all else fails, lay down the law: “No politics at the table.” Of course, this rule will last exactly five minutes, but hey, you tried. When Uncle Greg inevitably brings up the border wall, you can at least smugly remind everyone you established ground rules.
9. Prepare for the Post-Dinner Rant
After dessert, your liberal friend will need to let it all out. Prepare yourself for a TED Talk-length soliloquy on why the electoral college is an outdated relic of oppression. Just keep sipping your wine and throwing out occasional phrases like, “You’re so right,” and, “What a complex issue.” They’ll eventually tire themselves out—kind of like a toddler after a tantrum.
10. End on a Positive Note
Finally, steer the conversation back to gratitude. Say something like, “Hey, at least we’re all here together,” or, “Thanksgiving is about more than politics—it’s about arguing over politics with the people you love most.” It’s cheesy, but it works.
Conclusion: Survive, Laugh, Repeat
Thanksgiving doesn’t have to be a minefield, even in the wake of an election shocker. With a little humor, patience, and pie, you can help your liberal friend survive the emotional rollercoaster of Trump’s victory while keeping the holiday relatively civil. After all, if we can all agree on one thing, it’s this: no one actually likes cranberry sauce from a can.
Good luck, and may your turkey be moist, your wine glass full, and your political discussions (mostly) painless.
