futuristic battlefield where a heroic golden-haired leader in a suit stands triumphantly over the woke
Chapter Zhe/Zhim: The Great Deprogramming
Ed Forehead, the news anchor’s voice trembled as he read from the teleprompter, his wide eyes betraying the fear bubbling just below the surface.
“Despite the heroic efforts of social justice warriors Joshua Undercheiver and Karen B. Starren, the fascist dictator Cheeto Hitler remains in power. His regime continues to oppress marginalized communities by lowering unemployment rates and reducing inflation—clear signs of systemic oppression. Experts warn that without immediate action, Americans may experience prosperity and economic stability, which we know is just another form of white supremacy.”
The broadcast cut away to a panel of experts nodding in grave agreement.
From deep within the secret headquarters of the Woke Mind Virus Cult, the true architects of chaos watched with narrowed eyes. Their leader, known only as Grand High Virtue (formerly known as Kevin, a mediocre barista who had been promoted to leader after denouncing his own family on Twitter), paced back and forth. His ethically sourced, non-gendered, hemp robes billowed as he fumed.
“We cannot allow this to continue!” Grand High Virtue shouted, pounding his fist against a table made from 100% recycled pronouns. “The plebs are waking up! They’re questioning our truths! If we don’t act now, people might start thinking for themselves!”
A hush fell over the room. It was the unthinkable.
The Council of Woken Elders—composed of former trust-fund anarchists, unemployed sociology majors, and blue-haired cancel culture enforcers—leaned in closer.
“But what do we do?” asked Elder Zhe/Zhim, nervously adjusting their I Support The Current Thing badge. “Cheeto Hitler dismantled our media propaganda. People are laughing at us! Satire used to be ours! Now… now they mock us!”
Grand High Virtue clenched his jaw. “Then we escalate. We take the fight directly to Cheeto Hitler. It’s time… for THE FINAL CANCELING.”
Gasps filled the room.
“But sir… canceling hasn’t worked! We tried banning him from everything—Twitter, Facebook, even his MySpace page! We even declared truth a form of hate speech! And yet… he grows stronger!”
Grand High Virtue nodded grimly. “Yes. We underestimated him. But we have one final weapon… something so powerful, so insidious, even Cheeto Hitler may not be able to resist it.”
A long pause.
“The Deprogramming Camps.”
The room fell silent. The air thickened with suspense.
“You don’t mean…?”
“Oh yes,” Grand High Virtue said darkly. “We bring back The Re-Education Pods.”
Cheeto Hitler’s Oval Office
Cheeto Hitler leaned back in his chair, staring at a holographic map of America. His advisors, a ragtag team of former libertarians, disaffected leftists, and truckers, stood around him.
“The cult is desperate,” said Patriot X, his grizzled face lit by the glow of the map. “They’ve deployed the Deprogramming Camps. We have reports of civilians being rounded up, forced into tiny pods where they’re bombarded with buzzwords, circular arguments, and** emotionally manipulative TikToks.**”
“Dear God,” whispered Secretary of Based Affairs, a former meme lord turned military strategist. “That’s a fate worse than death.”
A knock at the door.
A young woman stepped in, looking uncertain. Her pink hair had begun to fade, and the glazed look in her eyes suggested she was recovering from a heavy dose of online activism.
“I—” she hesitated, wringing her hands. “I was in the camps… but I broke free. I think I’ve been… deprogrammed?”
Cheeto Hitler rose to his feet. “Tell me your name, soldier.”
Her lip trembled. “I was once called Tayden Nonbinary. But I think… my real name is Jessica. Jessica Grandchoice”
Gasps filled the room.
“Tell us what you saw, Jessica,” Patriot X said, stepping forward.
Jessica shuddered. “It was horrible. They strapped us down and made us listen to experts talk in circles. They told us words didn’t have meaning. They said we could be anything, but that thinking for ourselves was dangerous. They screamed about microaggressions and demanded we confess our privilege, even if we didn’t have any!”
Patriot X turned to Cheeto Hitler. “Sir, this is worse than we thought. The Woke Mind Virus isn’t just spreading—it’s mutating. Their cancelation tactics aren’t working, so now they’re doubling down on forced conversion. If they succeed, free thought will be erased from history.”
Cheeto Hitler nodded, his jaw set like a man who had seen too much.
“Then we hit them first.”
The Battle of the Brainwashed
The attack was swift and decisive.
Cheeto Hitler and his army—composed of based construction workers, rogue comedians, and ex-liberal parents who had finally had enough—stormed the Deprogramming Camps, armed with facts and logic.
The battle was brutal. The Woke Mind Virus Cult fought back with everything they had—wall after wall of articles from The Atlantic, insufferable think pieces, and Twitter threads that didn’t allow comments to prevent debate.
But the forces of free thought were stronger.
Cheeto Hitler, wielding a megaphone of common sense, stood at the gates of the Re-Education Pods and spoke words forbidden by the regime:
“You are free to think for yourselves.”
A shockwave tore through the battlefield.
One by one, the brainwashed masses blinked in confusion.
They looked at their hands, their surroundings—at reality itself—and whispered the words they had been too afraid to say for years:
“Wait… maybe I was wrong?”
The Woke Mind Virus Cult began to crumble.
Those who had been lost the longest screamed in agony as cognitive dissonance shattered their minds. The blue-haired generals collapsed, clutching their heads, unable to comprehend a world where they were not the righteous heroes of history.
Grand High Virtue tried to flee, but it was too late.
Jessica, now fully restored to sanity, raised her weapon and blocked his path.
“You took my mind,” she said coldly. “Now I’m taking it back.”
One shot.
Grand High Virtue fell, whispering his final words:
“I still have my pronouns…”
And then, silence.
The Aftermath
The war was over.
Cheeto Hitler stood atop the wreckage of the Deprogramming Camps, looking at the horizon. His people—true free thinkers—had won.
The Woke Mind Virus had been driven back, and sanity was restored to the land.
But he knew the battle was not yet over.
The Deep State still lurked. Their propaganda machine would rebuild. And the next iteration of ideological insanity was just waiting for its turn.
But for now, there was peace.
He turned to Jessica, the first of the newly awakened.
“You did good, kid.”
She smiled. “So… what happens now?”
Cheeto Hitler smirked.
“Now?” He cracked his knuckles. “Now we build an empire of truth.”
